Monday, June 28, 2010

Crank 2: High Voltage Totally random fun maddness!


Crank 2:High Voltage
Starring: Jason Stratham, Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Bai Ling & Dwight Yoakam as Doc Miles
Directed by: Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor

Plot:
Picking up exactly where the first Crank left off, we find Chev Chelios (Stratham), falling to his death, so we thought. He’s still alive! He is immediately scraped up and tossed in a van. He is taken to a chop shop of sorts…they are chopping out his organs starting with is heart. Falling in and out of consciousness he sees that the next organ to be harvested will be his Johnson… “well fuck that”, Chev is up and kickin ass. However the artificial heart he has isn’t made for keeping him alive long, so with the help of Doc Miles, Eve (Smart) and his other assorted goofball friends he must find his original heart before the fake one gives out. Of course given the title, this time he has to recharge the battery powering his heart by various means. Can Chev find the fiend behind his current misfortune?

Review:
Wow, where to begin? If ya didn’t like the first film then this one definitely won’t win you, but if you did, well then this one is a total home run. It is the bizarre, often trippy cinematography that makes it visually appealing, and the story so outlandish that it keeps me hooked. The film is full of violence, random boobs and assorted nastiness. I found the film absolutely hilarious, it is so random in how the events unfold you will sit bewildered saying WTF at every beat of Chev’s mechanical heart. A perfect example is when Chev tracks down a guy he thinks has his heart, when they finally face off , the scene morphs into a classic giant monster battle complete with guys in rubber suits fighting on a miniature stage Godzilla style.Will you need to see the first film? Yes, other wise this movie will be completely lost on you, so many inside jokes, so little time.

Observations:

Every loose end is wrapped up, albeit sloppy, everything is resolved.
Full Body Tourettes …wtf?!?
Public sex is always a crowd pleaser
Cory Hame? Say what? I didn’t recognize him at all…he plays Randy
Guest appearance by David Carradine…can you say Poon Dong? LOL I knew ya could.
Triad gangs, Mexican Mafia how can you go wrong?
Looks like anyone can walk into a Mexican mafia stronghold. This is the 2nd time this has happened.

Likes
Random
Fast paced
Inside jokes

Dislikes
Shot on handi-cams but eeh got a budget need to stay within the lines
Some of the music I can deal without…seriously but the soundtrack is much better in this film than the first… not by much though.

What I Learned
Chev Chelios is a die hard mofo…

Best Quote
“Fuck You Chelious!” ~ everyone in the movie (they say it so much you really can’t think of a better one)

Rating
I give this 3 ½ outta 5. Its such a niche film I can’t really justify any higher rating.

Final Comment
See the first then watch this, you will be howling with laughter. Totally random, totally fun… get some!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Gamera Series 1995-1999

Gamera 1, 2, & 3 1995-1999
Starring: Gamera, A young Asian girl, an oceanographer, a special investigator, & a zoological expert chick.

Plots (I'm doing all 3)
Gamera: Guardian of the Universe1995

Over a million years ago the ancient civilization of Atlantis disappeared beneath the ocean. Their legacy remains as strange events lead a zoological expert chick, Nagamine and a Investigator Osako to check out some strange disappearances on a small island near Kyoto. Discovery of an ancient bat-like creature, (referred to as birds through out the series) prompts a large scale investigation and attempt to capture the creatures. At the same time an Oceanographer and his crew of scientists discover a small island floating beneath the ocean surface moving against the current. Suddenly it surfaces and the scientists waste no time exploring the tiny island (bout the size of a football field) and discover a metal obelisk buried in the center. As they examine the obelisk one of them accidentally touches it, setting forth a chain of events which set loose a 300 foot long flying turtle. At this time Nagamine and Osako discovers that the so called birds are genetic hybrids called Gyaos capable of self reproduction , also that they grow and an exponential rate, and enjoy feeding on humans. As they go to warn the government, the now GIANT birds escape. As they make their get away the giant turtle arrives on the scene and attacks them. The military is torn between saving the birds or destroying the turtle named Gamera, who seems only interested in defeating the birds before they over run the planet. Can a young Asian girl, Asagi, who seems to know the feelings of Gamera, Nagamine and Osako persuade the government self-defense force not to attack the turtle until it has stopped the Gyaos creatures?

G2: The Advent of Legeon 1997


A meteor crashes to earth bearing some very unfriendly visitors. An enormous space bug has landed on earth and with her brood, has systematically disable all radio communication in Kyoto. She brings with her a large strange plant that generates a lot of oxygen which plant uses to launch a seed into space that carries the bugs eggs to another planet. The resulting explosion would level the entire city. The bug called Legeon, has with it thousands of minions that it uses to do its dirty work. When Gamera arrives to stop the launch of a seed pod, the military forces are again torn between stopping Gamera or allowing it to defeat another enemy to the earth. Asagi comes to the aid of the giant turtle to help it figure out a way to defeat the swarming minions and their massive queen before the entire planet is overrun with one eyed silicone eating, cell phone stabbing bugs…

GIII: The Incomplete Struggle (aka the Awaking of Irys)1999

Gayos sightings are being reported all over the world. And with them reports of Gamera as well, but its not all good news. Gamera has become careless in his ruthless pursuit of the Gayos creatures and destroys all in his path to achieve his goal. The governments of the world decide that regardless of its good intentions, Gamera must be stopped. At the same time, a family shrine is raided and an ancient family treasure is disturbed , something that was not supposed to be touched. Now awakened, Irys, the prototype creature developed by the people of Atlantis to defeat Gamera in case Gamera ever became uncontrollable is now unleashed. But many years of hibernation have made it hungry. Developed using a strain of Gayos dna it craves humans. Loyal to Anaya, the girl who set it free, it attempts to merge with her in order to complete its growth. Inheriting the girls hatred for Gamera who accidentally killed her family in 95 when he fell on their house, it seeks to put an end to the giant turtle as well. The girl is rescued from the creature before it can completely absorb her. Asagi returns once again to help guide Gamera in its toughest battle yet. Nagamine and Inspector Osako also help to unravel the mystery surrounding Anaya and the exploding population of the Gayos creatures before its too late.

Review
This has to be the most brilliantly conceived collection of monster movies ever made. Each one excels the last in effects story and cinematography. The production values of these films are top notch, and the stories are engrossing and completely original from the Gamera origins of 1960. True, Gamera:GOTU borrows many scenes from the original battles made in the 1967 film Gamera vs Gayos, yet the similarities end in the 2 following sequels. This trilogy, directed by Shusuke Kaneko, celebrates the 30 year history of the lesser known Turtle and his formerly child friendly exploits. This isn’t your parents Gamera. The suits and effects blow Godzilla films from the same year out of the water. Kaneko knows how to make a monster movie. The use of many of the same human characters help lend a continuity to the films, as well as his ability to direct his team of effects people that make the miniatures and sets.

While putting a new spin on the origins of the massive turtle he also stays true to the fighting tradition of the mighty monster. Gamera gets fucked up in each and every film. He is cut, gouged, stabed, sliced, blown up, impaled, and even has a limb blown off, but he still keeps fighting to the bitter end exacting a most satisfying revenge upon his foes. These films appealing on so many levels, the story element, the action, and effects all combine to give a unique experience to these traditional guy-in-a-suit monster flicks normally reserved for more mainstreamed movies. This series raises the bar and I do believe TOHO should follow suit.

Shusuke Kaneko also directed the latest godzilla flick GMK Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghiddorah: All out monster Attack, which is the BEST Godzilla film ever made.


Observations
Gamera, the other Big G!
This isn’t the child friendly, hey kid hitch a ride on my back Gamera. He’ll save a kid or too if its convenient for him but he ain’t gonna go outta his way to do it.
Goddamn he takes a licking and keeps on tickin’…Godzilla has never been hurt as bad as Gamera…cept that one time when Mecha Godzilla’93 whipped his ass pretty good…
I never knew Turtles can fly…especially looking like an airplane in the attempt.
Retractable fighting spurs… gotta love em!
It’s not a turtle, it’s a transformer… what the hell is up with that chest-beam? Then again he is a genetically engineered badass.
Does he ever get dizzy spinning round like a top?

Likes
Big Badass Turtle with sharp pointy teeth!
Seeing Gamera again, after a 15 year hiatus
The stories, plots and settings. The Awesome effects and wonderful sets….

Dislikes
That chest-beam in G2, what was that all about


What I Learned

15 years can bring some remarkable changes to a beloved series….
Nothing beats a flying turtle…cept maybe a radioactive lizard….
Fire balls, plasma balls, fireball lugies… what ever they are round and the blow stuff up…
Gamera has a varied assortment of desperation weapons that simply fuck shit up!
Gamera RULES!

Best Quote
“This isn’t in my job description! Lets get outta here!” ~Osako


Rating
I give the trilogy 4 ½ outta 5 and awesome series! A must for any monster fan. If you like any Godzilla movie then you will love Gamera.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Elm Street's Fatal Flaw


A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)


Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara, Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker and Kellan Lutz


Plot:

When a boy cuts his own throat in public his friends begin having dreams of a creepy little man in a red and green sweater. Although they know each other in high school they don’t realize they have a past and its coming back to haunt them, big time. As the teens begin to piece together the mystery they drop off one by one. Can they solve the puzzle before its too late?


Review:

Back in the days when slasher films were a dime a dozen, and Friday the 13th topped box office and sequel charts, a little low budget horror film made its debut. A Nightmare on Elm Street went from 0-60 in 3 seconds flat in 1984 and became an instant hit. This film series with 9 direct sequels under its belt, a TV show, and long awaited cross over film Freddy vs Jason, is an undisputed classic and the 3rd highest grossing film series of its genera. With all that said, how could a series reboot go so wrong? Its all in the basics. In probing that darker edge that made non-horror reboots like Batman Begins so successful, Nightmare went way off the beaten track and took a blood filled, campy horror romp someplace it didn’t really need to go.

In the original series Freddy Kruger is a dirty child murderer. He is burned alive by the parents of the town of Springwood now haunts dreams of teens, eventually killing them in the dream…if you die in the dream you die for real. In the reboot Freddy is now a child molester…say wha?!?…yes a sick nasty pedophile thus removing anything remotely fun from his torment and eventual offing of the selected targets, making the film quite frankly a waste and effectively killing off any type of sequel in the foreseeable future. Child molestation is not a fun subject, nor one for the likes of a horror film whos history is steeped in one liners and witty repartee from the villain who has an almost anti-hero status (I did say almost). This type of subject matter is best served via dramas and is absolutely nothing to laugh about or address lightly thus giving Kruger’s trademark quips a decidedly darker and sicker overtone which makes enjoying the film somewhat awkward if not impossible (especially for me given my line of work). Granted this is originally where series creator Wes Craven wanted to go but backed down at the last moment. Craven doesn’t support this version (mainly do to the fact he wasn’t consulted for the project as he had been in the past), and rightly so because this isn’t our Freddy anymore, least one I would associate with at parties.


Observations:

Ewwwwwwww pedophile gross!!

Every so-called teen in this flick looks like a Twilight wanna be

Jackie Earl Haley…good performance…bad project


Likes:

New Freddy look (it ain’t half bad)

The way he’d flick 2 of his claws together Nice effect

The overall story while distasteful isn’t bad and it moves along at a nice pace


Dislikes:

Pedophile nuf said….

Twilight wannabes


What I learned:

Pedophilia has no place in horror movies


Best quote:

“What ya screaming for? I haven’t even cut you yet”


Rating:

1 outta 5 for its good performance by Haliey its hardly worth watching.

Final thoughts:

Leave the nasty child rape stuff for dramas, keep horror fun gross and somewhat pure.